Insecurities

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have." -Unknown

Trusting people is one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. Though it comes easy for some, not for me. After feeling neglected by my mother because of my brother's medical condition for a couple years, I felt a sense of abandonment. When I fell in love for the first time, I constantly felt the need to control him, the cause of the physical and mental pain he eventually caused me, probably provoked by my constant controlling manner, and inability to trust him. I saw this quote a few weeks ago, after a fight with my current boyfriend. I've seen a therapist in the past, and over the last two years, I've become much better in my own opinion. I don't have the need to control, but I still feel insecurity when trusting people, which brought on this fight. This quote makes me realize that even though it's hard to trust, it's not impossible, and the right person will always prove that to you.

AHHHH

This week, with Thanksgiving and the holidays approaching rapidly, I'm feeling stressed. I'm also feeling grateful in the midst of all my stress. It's nearing the end of the semester, and getting closer to the holiday season. This always stresses me out. So I think that I will just try and accept the things that I am most grateful for. I have a wonderful family, an amazing guy, some great friends. There's nothing to worry about, right? Well, I tend to focus on what can go wrong. Like what will happen on Thanksgiving between my father and his sister that could make the whole holiday season go wrong? Will all my traditions be shattered because of one simple family dispute? This on top of the fact that I have final exams, presentations, work, etc... to worry about, it's all piling up quickly. So where does it go from here? Let's hope the stress level decreases, shall we? I'm not very pleasant when I'm stressed.

A Timeline

I have so many events in my life that would not make the best stories. Some of us wrote timelines in class today, I did not, so I thought I would post a brief timeline on my blog. Here goes nothing.

• When I was three, my mom became diagnosed with fibromyalgia and couldn't stand on her feet for longer than five minutes, if that.
• When I was five, I wouldn't let a regular dentist into my mouth, and I had to go to a pediatric dentist until I turned 18.
• When I was six, my first pet died. Her name was Bitty, and she was a beautiful cat.
• When I was eight, my grandfather passed away on my fathers side. This was the first time I've seen my father cry.
• When I was ten I broke my wrist when I flipped off of the swings in my front yard
• When I was eleven, my brother Trevor was diagnosed with Tourette's and OCD.
• When I was almost twelve, we got our dog Boo-Boo, because my parents thought that it would help with Trevor's diagnosis.
• When I was thirteen, I wore glasses and braces and I got cyber bullied by some girls that I had considered my best friends just a year before.
• When I was fourteen, I got contacts for my eyes and I got my braces taken off.
• When I was fifteen, my cousin got married and all my other cousins got me drunk for the first time.
• When I was sixteen I decided that I wanted to go to a Tech Center for school, and I made some of the best friends of my entire life.
• When I was almost seventeen, I met my first love, which was great at first and then took a downward spiral into a physically abusive relationship which I wouldn't admit until it was taken too far.
• When I was seventeen, I met Kierstan.
• When I was almost eighteen, Kierstan got pregnant and we became best friends.
• Two days before my eighteenth birthday, Kierstan gave birth to a baby girl, Ava, who is my god daughter. Kierstan and I move in together.
• When I was eighteen, Erin became our third best friend, and we were inseparable. I started classes at CCV, went through my party stage, and accidentally stole Erin's boyfriend.
• When I was nineteen, Erin and I were not friends anymore. Kierstan and I move to a different apartment.
• A month before my twentieth birthday, Kierstan found out she was pregnant again.
• Two weeks before my twentieth birthday, I met AJ, who has since made me the happiest I have been in years.  
• Now, six months from my twenty-first birthday, I am almost done with my degree at CCV, I have a full time job, a loving family, great friends, and couldn't be more satisfied.

I think that there are way too many events to list here, but I hope you get the gist of things. That's all for today folks! :)

My Dad

Today, my dad is on my mind (obviously). My dad is my favorite person. He is funny, sarcastic, and firm. He drives me crazy half the time, but he's my dad- how could I not love him? He brought me my winter tires at work last week so that I could have them put on (and so that I would stop panicking). When he brought them over, it was the day after the Red Sox won the world series. The second he saw me he said, "Where's your Red Sox shirt?" And this is the perfect explanation of the person my dad is. He's a die hard fan of the things he loves, and he would do anything for his kids. I sure do love my dad.

Halloween

Halloween is my least favorite holiday. I hate being startled. The dressing up, the candy, carving pumpkins, that's all in good fun when you're a child (or if you can go to the bar) but ask me to go to a Haunted House, Corn maze, or anything creepy, absolutely not. Kierstan always laughs at me because I HATE scary movies. So why wouldn't Halloween be my least favorite holiday?

Quote of today!

Have you ever had one of those mornings where it takes every ounce of strength you have to get out of bed? That was how my morning started. I considered not getting out- but where would that get me? Bored, tired, and unproductive. So instead I got up, let the dog out, took dinner out of the freezer for tonight, then stopped for a second. Yikes, I've become a regular housewife. Who knew that would ever happen? If you knew me a year ago you'd laugh at the thought- I couldn't even put a chicken in the oven without ruining it.

"It's funny how day to day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different." This quote really hit home for me today.

The Right People

As I continue to get older, I realize more and more how important family is. Not just family, I suppose, but having a good support system around you, and people that will be there at the drop of a hat. Yesterday, I got into my first car accident. Nothing too serious- just a fender bender (that was totally not my fault.) Yet, it's incidents like that, that can open your eyes to who is really there for you and who is not.